When I am seated to reflect on it, I tend to track my anxiety back on James Parker. James Parker caused childhood trauma which left me feeling in constant anxiety for a long time.
James Parker was not the most popular teenager. James Parker was a marijuana user was involved in fights and stole from other kids. Oh yeah, James is my uncle. I remember being afraid of James whenever I encountered James, which was the majority of weekends when I was growing up. Was he likely to beat me up, humiliate me, or just ignore me entirely? It was impossible to tell for certain and that caused me to be more nervous.
Understanding How Childhood Trauma Was the Root of My Social Anxiety
I suffer from social anxiety because of childhood trauma, frequently. I am afraid to do routine actions in public places, such as walking, asking for directions, or even take orders for food. Naturally, I attempt to tackle this fear, and the best solution to me, is mediation. Every once in a when I meditate I’ll recall an old, forgotten memory of childhood trauma that entailed my cousin. There was a time when I believed he was going be able to drown me into the swimming pool. Then there were the times I was slapped by him without reason. Then there were all those instances where I got the impression that he did not like me.
Something about James seemed to make me feel nervous. James was very unpredictably. He even seemed sometimes nice and made his meanness appear more frightening.
Anxiety resulting from traumas of childhood to adulthood
Today, I am nervous when encountering unfamiliar people. There’s a chance that they’ll be rude to me, or even hurt me with impunity the way James did. James.
James was one year older than me and beat me. James got a great workout by hopping over off walls, escaping the police, and doing pullups in the juvenile hall.
It’s a bit surreal that this hadn’t occurred to me before. I was always involved in the fight or flight with James. James seemed to be the leader in my life, and could easily ostracize me at any time. And I didn’t have a way to hinder him if he desired to. This is the reason I’m worried about being exiled from this group.
Wow.
I can now see this on a more of a level. It is the constant worry and the childhood trauma surrounding James that explains why my anxiety remains constant now, 17 years after having spent the most time with James. Would I have been different, maybe less nervous or less hesitant If I had not had the privilege of spending time with James?
I’m grateful to be able to understand this, even though it’s a long time since I’ve had a breakthrough. I’m prepared to peel off each layer of anxiety away in layers, layer by layer with the help of therapy and meditation. Perhaps, in the future I’ll get rid of anxiety about social situations triggered from my trauma in childhood.
This article was written by
Brandon Grill is a copywriter for mental health professionals. When he’s not creating blogs and websites Brandon loves running, cooking as well as spending time with his nephews and niece. For more information about Brandon
What is anxiety
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